When I go on and on (and on, and on…) with complaints about the Guardians of the Galaxy ride coming to EPCOT, it’s not that I hate Guardians of the Galaxy. I happen to be a big fan of the films, and I do like the idea of new things in the park. My problem is that I don’t think this particular franchise fits in with what I personally perceive the theme of EPCOT to be, and I’m pretty sure that now everything is terrible as a result. It’s not the first time (nor, likely, will it be the last time) that I’ve disagreed with Disney’s decision about putting an intellectual property somewhere in the parks, and I frequently make comments on social media about which ones I think are just… wrong. I also often sit here in the top-secret Magic & Misadventures lair and mull over which Disney franchises are underutilized in the parks, and how it would be cool to see attractions based on those instead.

Which, naturally, means that I’m now going to play “armchair Imagineer” and come up with a bunch of ideas for which franchises should be put into the parks. All of which are brilliant, of course. If anyone from Disney is reading this, please note that I am available to be hired at a moment’s notice.

Instead replacing Ellen’s Energy Adventure with Guardians of the Galaxy, let’s go with Big Hero 6 instead. It ranked pretty high in the box office numbers, yet you sadly don’t see much of it in the parks. Really, aside from a Baymax meet & greet (which is super fun, because he’s big and squishy and gives great hugs), there’s virtually no park presence at all for this incredible film. Which is very sad. It would fit quite nicely in EPCOT, though: its high-tech vibe would mesh well within Future World, and an attraction based around robotics technology could both inform and inspire. Given how much fun the characters are, too, it could also be very entertaining. Plus, Big Hero 6 is absolutely awesome and deserves to have a big tentpole attraction dedicated to it. So, with the Imagineering power bestowed upon me by my armchair, I hereby declare that Guardians of the Galaxy is out and Big Hero 6 is in at EPCOT. It could even still be a roller coaster, involving the characters from the movie going on some wacky adventure. With robots.

Over in World Showcase, there’s been a push to get more movie franchises into the pavilions. We’ve seen Frozen in Norway, Ratatouille is coming to France, and some Coco stuff is popping up in Mexico. Now, with the release of Toy Story 4, we could add Canada to that list. Sure, Toy Story doesn’t necessarily fit the under-utilized property theme that I’m going with here, but I’m pretty sure that this brilliant idea is worth making an exception for. Duke Caboom, one of the characters in the film, is very proudly “Canada’s greatest stuntman”. So let’s go ahead and kill the “O Canada” film in World Showcase and replace it with “Duke Caboom’s Yes You Canada Stunt Extravaganza”. It could be a movie involving Duke Caboom jumping over famous Canadian landmarks. I’d say that it would be a good use of a franchise/character while also respecting the subject matter. In fact, the more I think about it, that would be awesome. Also, special thanks to How Bowers on Twitter for commenting on my original tweet and fleshing out this idea a bit more than I had originally intended.

OK, let’s go work on Magic Kingdom for a bit now. We’re going to focus on my favorite land, Tomorrowland, because it could seriously use some new ideas. It just seems that they’ve gotten off course lately and that someone at Disney is just shrugging and tossing in anything that’s even vaguely future-y without respect for the cool retro sci-fi aesthetic. Like, for example, the Monsters Inc Laugh Floor attraction. As much as I enjoy the show, I have to admit that I don’t really think it belongs in Tomorrowland. I mean, it doesn’t have much to do with the concept of “tomorrow” other than those sorta-high-tech-looking energy canister things. So let’s go ahead and yank that out, send it over to Hollywood Studios, and replace it with one of the finest masterpieces ever to grace modern cinema screens: Meet the Robinsons. If you haven’t seen it, then I suggest that you stop reading right now and go correct this egregious oversight in your life. Then come back and keep reading, though, because otherwise I’d miss you.

So yeah, Meet the Robinsons. It’s bizarre, it’s got a goofy view of the future, and its “keep moving forward” message could really work in Tomorrowland. An attraction based on this movie could highlight the weird inventions of the Robinson family; maybe a Star Tours-esque motion attraction in which Wilbur and Lewis travel through time, or a dark ride through the weirdness of the Robinson mansion where they have to escape Bowler Hat Guy. It would be a better fit, in my opinion, for Tomorrowland than a show (even a really fun one) featuring monsters. Heck, if Disney ever opted to replace Carousel of Progress (disclaimer: Disney, please never do this ever), they should stick Meet the Robinsons in there and keep the same basic plot and mechanics. It’ll just be Cornelius Robinson going from a kid in the present day to inventor of wacky things in the future. I would also accept a time travel story in the former Stitch’s Great Escape space, but instead of catching an alien in the tube they catch Dor-15 (the villainous robotic bowler hat) and then hijinks ensue.

I would also suggest an attraction based on Treasure Planet in Tomorrowland, but I’m pretty sure that almost everyone except for me has forgotten about that movie. So it might not be a big draw. Let’s move on.

No, wait, let’s not move on yet. An action ride like Star Tours or Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin, but it’s Treasure Planet themed. I mean, it’s got outer space and pirates! Oh, or a dark ride in the vein of Peter Pan’s flight, but you’re in one of the flying starship things and you’re going through space while pirate-y things happen around you! It would be so cool!

Side note: even if it doesn’t necessarily fit the retro-future aesthetic of the land, the Tron Lightcycle Power Run attraction (that’s currently being built) gets a pass. Because Tron is awesome, the theme parks need more Tron, and I’ve really wanted to ride that coaster ever since I saw videos of it from Shanghai Disneyland.

Ok, let’s make another change to Tomorrowland, but this time it’s the California one and we’re reimagining the Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage attraction. I do like this ride a lot, mostly because of the strong nostalgic attachment I have to the (very similar) 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea version that I used to go on in Walt Disney World. It’s actually a pretty fun experience, too, so I don’t want to change the basic format of the attraction too much. I would rather just… go in a different direction with it. The thing is, I don’t see what the characters from Finding Nemo really have to do with the concept of “tomorrow”. They’re fish. They’re not even space fish. Please allow me, then, to suggest a property that would work really well as a submarine ride. One that takes place in the past and not tomorrow, admittedly, but has a Jules Verne-esque vibe to it that kinda fits (more than fish do, anyway).

That’s right, I’m talking about Atlantis: The Lost Empire. I mean, think about it! You’d climb aboard the Ulysses (the sub from the film), go underwater and see all sorts of weird aquatic creatures, and then travel to the lost city of Atlantis. There could even be a segment involving the leviathan that attacked the sub, à la the giant squid in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I can see the several-hour-long queue forming already!

There are a lot of incredible Disney attractions based on movies, but there are also a bunch of franchises that don’t get any love in the parks all. Fortunately, the Imagineers have me to help supply them with an endless number of brilliant (*cough*) ideas about how to bring these beloved and obviously incredibly popular films to life. Like, how about a dance party event in Adventureland using The Emperor’s New Groove (called, of course, Beware the Groove)? Ooh, or a dark ride in Fantasyland that tells the story of The Black Cauldron? Maybe an area of Innoventions in EPCOT based on Donald in Mathmagicland, or a kiddie coaster in Hollywood Studios featuring Bolt? Hey, maybe a breakfast restaurant themed after The Brave Little Toaster…